Dissociation

I inhaled.

Exhaled.

Then I felt fine. Just like always. What happened next was unexpected and I got stupidly scared. I felt nauseous, and that was strange.

I fell down on my kitchen floor and told my boyfriend that I did not feel good. As I lay down, my next logical, but not really logical, thought was “take me to the hospital”. Though he knew I was going to be just fine.

My entire body started to dissipate or… separate itself from my being. Dissociate. My arms and legs lost their purpose, I closed my eyes and felt myself extend in every direction, like I was being pulled. I just kept repeating “I can’t feel my body”. For the longest time I could only feel a twisted memory of my body and my mind was beyond the physical.

And then I was floating.

After a long time of not feeling like I could do anything at all, I opened my eyes and started giggling and saying things I can’t remember just now. The only thing I do remember saying is that my boyfriend had ketchup cheeks and that when I kissed him I felt like a little girl kissing a little boy.

I might have actually enjoyed all of this, the moment it happened, if I hadn’t been so uneasy.

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Artwork by Gewel Kafka

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2-Minute Roll

I was at some sort of party. I only knew a few people there. I was sitting on a couch and two friends of mine were doing something in the kitchen, so I went to check out what was going on. They were talking about getting some ecstasy… or something like that. I told them that I was okay because I didn’t want to do molly ever again. But somehow, later in the dream I take a “vitamin” and start rolling. But for about… 2 minutes. When it happened I was so confused.

“This isn’t what I wanted!!!” I yelled.

After the 2-minute roll was over, things shifted to a different setting, and I think I was with some guys…

and they were telling me something about kissing my sister…

I don’t have a sister.

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The Queen of Sugarland is Born

The anxiety is now familiar. But it felt odd… not natural. It got more intense and my body did not feel very good. In these instances, I try to make the best of it and not let anxiety ruin the trip.

I sat in my apartment with my boyfriend… waiting.

At some point – in which we were already peaking – we decided to watch Winnie the Pooh. And it was awesome. I got mad at Pooh because he didn’t know how to spell “honey”, he spelled it “hunny” instead. I called him a dumbass.

On to the next thing. Trying to find the right song to listen to, but nothing sounded right. We kept walking around the apartment trying to settle. I don’t recall having many visuals… though I did… they were just very slight. The thoughts however, they really took over me. Out of nowhere I started thinking about the SAW movies… and Jigsaw… and it scared me. I tried to push those uncomfortable thoughts away. I told my boyfriend what was happening and he told me to change it, to remake my thoughts: I am in control of my trip.

So, this is what I did. I deviated my mind away from the scary thoughts. They would come back every once in a while, and at one point I thought my boyfriend was Jigsaw. I felt like I was going insane, but I fought it and it worked.

I was calm and having fun, and I remembered I had a blueberry cake donut! I walked to the kitchen wearing my snuggie like a robe, grabbed the donut, and took a bite. And there were colorful snowflakes all around me. The feeling of the granules of sugar in my mouth transformed into these snowflake visuals. They were sugarsnowflakes. And I decided, I was the Queen of Sugarland. I ruled the world of sweets!

Super excited I went to tell my boyfriend that I was the queen and that he was the goblin that served me. I gave him an orange and, as he was eating it, he looked like a small child.

After that we just sat down and watched some music videos that looked… insane. Dark Horse by Katy Perry, PONPONPON by Kyary Pamyu Pamyu, A Rose for Epona by Eluvetie. I also watched the music video of Sky Limit by Yohio, and I made this story up on how he was the one to spread the word to the world about Jigsaw, because he had seen the evil behind everything.

In the comedown we watched meditation videos, with droney sounds and trippy visuals.

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Les Demoiselles

I was in Spain. Not really sure what I was doing there. Maybe it wasn’t Spain, but when I go back to it, I was in Spain. I was with someone, a friend of sorts. The place at this moment remains unclear. We were being followed and then the girl I was with said that I had magical powers which I could use to travel to a different dimension. We were running and she said to just let go, to focus on transporting myself and it would just happen. I had no idea of what was going on but I ran and ran so that the “bad guys” wouldn’t catch me. But they were catching up so I somersaulted and I was suddenly in a forest. A whimsical fairy forest.

It was amazing, it felt amazing. The girl led me with her hand to an estancia-like building. It was quite beautiful. As we walked she was saying something but I don’t think I was paying attention. All I know is that we got to the place and we were going up. There were some spiral staircases and we walked through two rooms.

In the first room there were three or four people in a bed, some having sex, others just lying there. In the second room a man was giving oral sex to a girl and there might have been other women there.

So I get to what I found out to be my room. There was another girl there. She welcomes me and says that I will be taken care of here. The three of us sit on the bed, I am between them. She starts touching my arm and tells the other girl that led me there, “You do as I do, and as I say, later on you will make your own decisions.”

And she starts brushing my hair with her fingers and the other girl repeats her movements. They touch my arms and thighs, they kiss my cheeks. They feed me grapes and tell me that I am beautiful. There was a mirror in front of me so I was looking at myself and at them through the mirror.

I looked beautiful with long hair and golden skin.

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Snow

I felt anxiety in the pit of my stomach; this is my first memory. I was lying on my bed – anxious – watching the French film, The Artist. What an amazing movie. In the climax, the images started to become distorted and I didn’t know if the movie was like this or if my trip was starting. I got so anxious and nervous that I started to cry. This is when my boyfriend becomes concerned and I just… can’t keep it together. Then the laughter comes and it soothes me. It soothes the stomach ache.

This becomes a cycle: stomach ache, crying, laughter/soothing. I am freaking out, so I get up and go to the bathroom. My surroundings are breathing. Then I hear Octopus’s Garden by The Beatles and suddenly I am calm. I see patterns everywhere and when I look at my hands they look creepy and witch-like. The ceiling had tiny adorable skeletons peering down at me. They were my friends. Music sounds… weird, but beautiful, like nothing I’ve ever heard before. The new sounds fascinate me and all I want to do is listen, and move as I listen. My boyfriend and I spend most of the time trying to explain to each other what we are seeing. I see little creepy cute things. They don’t scare me. Witches and skeletons.

We drink tea. I call it: The pond water from the fairies.

“Give me the pond water! Give me some water from the fairies!” I demanded.

It was a fantasy come to life.

This was a rare snowy night in Texas, and in the comedown we walked outside, and it was beautiful. The snow glowed within itself, in its natural color; it had a beauty that I had never seen before.
And the coldness hugged me.

Winter Morning